When determining your worth, don't forget to add tax.

My Walmart delivery driver has ✨ARRIVED✨ & I know this because yer girl mobbed up into the driveway with bass thumping so hard, it rattled both the windows & my back teeth.

A helpful thing if you need repro or gender-affirming services in a place where you aren't (also a thing people might wanna donate to):

elevatedaccess.org/

I am not *on* the struggle bus. That bitch is REGISTERED IN MY NAME.

Them: "You're a woman! You should be treated like a queen!"

Me: "Well, they were mostly used, abused, & died miserable at an early age. Looks like I'm on track."

Farrell boosted

USpol, abortion, a thing you can do to help right now, tweet 

Fund transportation to get Alabama abortion patients out of state who had scheduled appointments:

twitter.com/robinmarty/status/

The next therapist that tells me that feeling like things won't get better is a symptom of mental illness rather than an objective statement of fact is going to get their face rearranged in a non-surgical manner.

From the Ticky Tok:

"Hey, girl. Welcome to middle of my goddamned business. Can I get you anything while you're here? Sweet tea? Zebra cake? A host of problems of your own to concern yourself with?"

The Grubhub delivery driver ate part of my order. 😳

That's...that's a new one.

Just saw a TikTok in which a brilliant woman Command stripped two LED lights to a big, cheap mirror & plugged the lights into a power strip so the lights would run on one switch & TA-DA! Huge lighted vanity mirror.

I do not care if you hand me your degree from a culinary institute AND your Michelin star; if your shirt has nary a grease stain, YOU AIN'T TELLIN' ME SHIT ABOUT SHIT.

From an old ep of Dateline: a man is baffled...BAFFLED, I TELL YOU...that the cops think he killed his wife. Why on earth would they suspect him?!

Well, sir, you've had six wives & four of them are dead. We really only let royalty get by with that kind of thing.

My mother asks why I keep my bras on hangers in the closet, rather than fold them in a drawer.

Ma'am. You have tiny scraps of bra that you origami into tiny, neat bundles that fit in drawers. I have TACTICAL BOOB HARNESSES that would each take up a full drawer.

Forget a ~*lingerie chest*~, I need a TACK ROOM.

From beginning to end, the Walmart endeavor took 2 & a half hours & Mom ended up with a cart containing 13 items. 4 of them were mistakes.

And all of this is because she swears I am lying to her for some reason she can't articulate when I tell her, "No, Walmart does not carry that brand of sausage."

Ma'am. Why would I do that. Why would anyone do that. I understand now why all your ex-husbands drank.

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My mother has demanded that I install the Walmart app on her phone so she can make her own grocery list. She cannot remember the name of anything she wants & her hands are too shaky to operate touchscreens.

Its going to be a very, very long day.

discussion of addiction 

Just overheard someone speaking about their adult child, who has recently come out of rehab: "Yeah, hopefully that's over with now."

Oh, honey. That's not how it works. I am so, so sorry for all the things you're about to learn the very hardest way.

Farrell boosted

Go buy shit on #BandCamp today, friends. They are donating all profits to the NAACP and other Juneteenth-supporting causes.

Here’s my BC link, others feel free to drop yours as a reply to this toot!

(I’ll shop when the electricity is back on)

jessicabkelly.bandcamp.com

Patient's mom is determined to HUNT THE GLOBE for sophisticated solutions to a problem patient is having when sleeping.

A problem which is easily solved with a foam wedge. That we already possess. Patient & I use it every day at naptime.

Miscounted by one & now a whole day's stitching must be ripped out & done again. be like that sometimes.

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