Follow

Okay, so STORYTIME with Lili!

I do actually have the Jack Chick "D&D is of the DEVIL" tract. I think it's hilarious.

But how I got it is another story.

So my ex was in the habit of bringing women he was committing emotional adultery with by the house to meet me.

I thought he wanted me to have friends and share cool people, but...nah.

Anyway, he brought over this one lady and her husband. They were vegans, I cooked for them, and as a small gift for the hostess the lady brought over some Chick tracts.

This wasn't as weird as it sounds, because they were presented as "I collect these because they're weird and hysterical and your spouse said they were just the sort of thing you'd find funny too!"

I was outright charmed, and thanked Chick Lady kindly. We had a good time, but I sensed a certain...reserve, in her, and in her husband.

I chalked it up to new people nervousness or even my own social anxiety, because I was a stay-at-home housewife introvert.

A few months later, Spouse came home from a "business trip." I was doing the laundry from that trip and found a pair of sage-green women's sweatpants.

That were not mine.

I said nothing to Spouse but I thought it...odd. I mean, they were nice enough pants, but still.

Several weeks after that, who should visit but Chick Lady's Husband? I made dinner, knowing he was vegan, let him and Spouse talk (I think they knew each other from martial arts classes) and...

...I settled in the living room to fold laundry (a perennial chore at that point, since nobody else in the house would do it), and let them have Guy Time With Beers in the back yard.

Chick Lady's Husband came through the house after about a half-hour, and bid me a fond farewell. However, he spent some time looking at the folded clothes, and his face changed by a few millimeters.

In a movie, I probably would have cottoned on then. At the time, I was just mortified that he'd seen my bad housekeeping (though I'd had no warning he was coming over).

It wasn't until that night in bed that I realized what, precisely, he'd seen.

His wife's sweatpants, tossed casually on the pile.

I, sleep-deprived and with toddlers, had been wearing them.

Now, you might ask, why on earth would he notice a pair of sweatpants?

I had an occasion to ask him about six months later when we were discussing our respective spouses' affairs with each other.

It was an excruciating conversation, but I learned that he'd already known and had confronted my spouse about it over beers in the back yard.

And Readers, do you know what the first thing out of my mouth was?

What came out of my mouth was, "Oh, God, I'm so sorry..." And, not content with the embarrassment I was feeling, my mouth added despite me, "Do you want the Chick tracts back?"

Chick Lady's Husband looked at me, I looked at him, and we both burst into laughter.

I ended up keeping them, and every time I see a Chick tract, I think about sage-green sweatpants.

(I called the "the adultery pants." And yes, I stayed married for a while after that, because he was still a good father to the kids. I shouldn't have, but I did.)

Chick Lady's Husband was too good for her, and I was too good for Spouse, and I never saw the Vegan Chick Lady Couple after that.

But I still have the tracts. And I still think they're hilarious.

There's no moral to this story other than "don't do adultery, keep track of your sweatpants, and bigots deserve to be laughed out of town."

That about covers all of life, I should think.

(For the curious, yes, I did eventually divorce the ex; it was high time and I've been ever so much happier ever since. I have no idea what happened to Chick Lady and Her Husband.)

(PS: When I told my best friend, she remarked that the weirdest thing was that the pants... fit me, too. I couldn't help but laugh. THE ADULTERY PANTS FIT LIKE A CHARM.)

@lilithsaintcrow

Possibly of interest:

An issue of THE IMP, a comics zine from the 90s, with a deep dive into the world of Jack Chick

danielraeburn.com/The_Imp,_by_

@lilithsaintcrow
Thank you for the story and the laughs. I'm sorry Vegan Chick Lady and your husband did what they did.

Sign in to participate in the conversation
Ragged Feathers

Hello, this is Ragged Feathers. We talk about writing, art, dogs, tea, knitting, weather, science, literature, history, and other cool things. Your host is Lili Saintcrow. Come in and have a beverage; be excellent to each other.