…how, in God’s name, do I get *into* these situations?

I peered out my window and yelled “IS THAT JERRY ON THE TABLE?”

My daughter, watching from the French door in the dining room, yelled back. “FUCKING HELL I THINK JERRY JUST FLEW!”

Jerry somehow got onto the table on the patio, and glided towards the trellis. There’s a lot of flapping wing action. It has been suggested that maybe Jerry just has a sprain instead of a broken wing or something.

My daughter says this rules out a corpse in the fence. I am not so sure. I am neither ruling out a fence-corpse OR Jerry needing some form of assistance. Both can be equally true, and that is wisdom born of age, my friends.

So IF we can find Jerry in the dark we can get him in a cardboard box on the table on the patio and his friends can find him in the morning.

Which leaves just the fence-corpse to deal with. In the dark, too.

Suddenly my night is packed.

Jerry’s friends are still yelling their name. “JERRY!”

“FOR GODSAKE WHAT?”

“WILL YOU GET UP HERE?”

“I CAN’T.”

“JERRY, THE BEAST COULD COME BACK AT ANY MOMENT.”

“NOT HELPING, CARL.”

Carl is what we have named the crow standing guard over Jerry. Carl has dive-bombed both Boxnoggin and yours truly, attempting to keep Jerry safe.

Carl is not to be fucked with.

I am pretty sure it’s Jerry and Carl who have been filling the birdbath with cracked peanut shells.

The conversation between me and my daughter:

“Where the fuck is Carl?”

“I don’t see…is that Carl over there?”

“I don’t know, is he losing his shit on a branch and yelling WHERE’S JERRY? Otherwise he could be Sandra.”

“Who the fuck’s Sandra?”

“I DON’T KNOW, DON’T ASK ME.”

“It looks like it might rain.”

“So the others will roost and I can go out and…find Jerry. In the rain.”

“I’ll hold the umbrella.”

“What if Carl attacks?”

“I don’t want to add to your bird rehab list BUT I WILL IF I HAVE TO.”

My daughter, being an empiricist, doubts the existence of the corpse in the fence. She says it’s possible it was Jerry. I say he’d have to do some David Copperfield Harry Houdini shit to get out of the fence. She points out Jerry IS a crow.

(I cannot fucking believe I am typing this.)

All right. I’m going back to check on Jerry Watch 2021.

I was walking down the hall when Boxnoggin LOST HIS SHIT so of course I ran the rest of the way screaming “IS IT JERRY?” And my daughter had to scream back “NO IT’S THE UPS TRUCK”

There is no sign of Jerry or Carl or even Sandra. We discussed matters. I point out that Carl wouldn’t leave Jerry. We find Carl, we find Jerry.

But it’s so quiet.

My daughter said tentatively “what if…well, what if Jerry’s really a corpse now?”

I looked at her horrified, and what came out of my mouth was, “YOU THINK CARL KILLED JERRY?”

…I am forced to admit I might not be entirely sane, in light of this thread. How do I get into these situations? HOW?

But we have a new plan. The light is failing and it’s very quiet. There is no sign of Carl or Jerry. I am going to visit the loo, arm myself with a broom, and step outside to see if Jerry can be located.

Incidentally I want to verify the corpse in the fence. If it was indeed Jerry I don’t know whether or not I’ll be relieved?

All right. My mission is reconnaissance. Objective 1 is to locate Jerry the Crow. Objective 2 is to get a visual on the fence corpse. I will go armed with a broom and have visited the loo.

If there is a rule in these situations it is ALWAYS WEAR SHOES. But only slightly less well-known is, ALWAYS PEE BEFORE RECON MISSIONS.

You guys.

YOU GUYS.

Things have gotten weird.

Okay, things were deadly quiet, but then my daughter and I noticed a skinny crow on a high branch, watching the deck balefully.

We argued about whether it was Carl or Sandra or even Jerry.

We decided Carl was bigger and meaner, so this HAD to be Sandra or maybe Jerry. If it was Jerry we were going to be super relieved but it still didn’t answer the Corpse Question.

The recon mission had to proceed.

I crept out onto the deck with the broom handy. Maybe-Sandra started to yell Jerry’s name. Then Carl showed up, and did the same.

And—look, you are not going to believe this.

I heard music.

I stood stock still for what felt like forever with two crows yelling at me, trying to figure out if I was hallucinating.

This happens more often than you might think.

I finally decided the yelling crows did not seem disposed to active warfare, and I motioned my daughter out onto the deck.

At first she couldn’t hear it. She had an earbud in because she was listening to podcasts while doing Jerry Watch duty.

At first she couldn’t hear it because the crows were yelling. Then she turned her podcast off and DID hear it.

Music. And applause.

AT THIS POINT I WAS TRULY, DEEPLY UNSURE IF I WAS HALLUCINATING OR IN A VIDEO GAME, I JUST WANT TO REGISTER THIS.

But she heard it too.

We think maybe there’s a sporting event or outdoor concert at the elementary school.

Maybe-Sandra and Carl are still yelling.

The recon mission is aborted. We beat a hasty retreat.

Boxnoggin started screaming out the front window and I almost had a heart attack.

But it was only Buddy.

Buddy lives up the street with his humans. Buddy is a very tiny dog. Buddy hates everyone and everything but his humans.

Boxnoggin desperately longs to make Buddy’s acquaintance.

Anyway, Buddy is on his walk with his humans, Boxnoggin is very unhappy because HIS humans will not let him have any fun, Maybe-Sandra is perched on a dead branch, Carl is somewhere, and we can’t verify Jerry.

And I have doubted my sanity multiple times in the past hour and a half. I mean, even more than usual?

There is no sign of Jerry but Jerry could simply have the good sense and decency to be hiding somewhere.

And we still have NO GODDAMN IDEA ABOUT THE CORPSE IN THE FENCE.

My daughter says this is the most interesting night we’ve had in a while.

It’s quiet again. I’m going to go check on the Jerry Watch 2021 Situation. If I don’t come back, Carl probably got me.