If Jerry’s spend the entire evening in the corner of the yard near a fence-corpse, Jerry might in fact be a bit peeved. Or if Jerry was stuffed in the fence and only recently emerged, he can’t be in a very good mood.
As long as the kids stay well back, and Jerry or the corpse doesn’t go for them, we might conceivably get through Jerry Watch Situation 2021 without any injuries. And in the morning I can approach the Question of Jerry.
I am currently pondering the question of Jerry Gloves. Gardening gloves might be too thin to protect me, but the fence-mending gloves mean I won’t have the necessary delicate control and might end up hurting Jerry.
Will Jerry be able to get to oyster crackers or sunflower seeds if we put them in a little dish? I don’t want to be rude but I’m not sure Jerry really knows how to handle crockery?
(I am still doubting my sanity on a minute to minute basis but what the hell, I work in publishing and have raised two kids, I might as well lean into this bullshit too.)
I am so worried about whether or not Jerry might be an asshole about his new condo I have almost forgotten the fence-corpse, but then the fence-corpse idea comes back and I get anxious.
Someone has kindly pointed out that crows are tool-using birds so as much of an asshole as Jerry is likely to be, he’ll probably handle a bowl with facility.
This is absurdly comforting. I’m off to find some condo crockery for an asshole crow.
It is dusk. True sundown was just a minute or so ago. My daughter snuck a small bowl of oyster crackers and a small dish of water out onto the deck, partly to have them handy and partly to gauge the Sandra situation.
I will be taking point. Behind me will be my son with a torch and an extra towel. Safety equipment has been decided on and will undergo final checks in a bit.
I will IF POSSIBLE verify the fence-corpse. My daughter says I am obsessed with the fence-corpse. I told her if there was a Schrodinger’s corpse in HER back fence she’d be a little unnerved too.
Once I have verified the fence-corpse (or lack of it) an attempt to locate Jerry the Asshole Crow will be made. We are fairly certain he’s in that corner, considering it safe.
YES, I WILL BE ATTEMPTING TO CATCH A CROW IN THE DARK. AFTER POSSIBLY HALLUCINATORY MUSIC AND A SQUIRREL NAMED TOM HIDDLESTON. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE. HOW.
Once Jerry has been nabbed—possibly in the towel my son is carrying—it will be a matter of swiftly shoving him into the Asshole Crow Condo, then holding the towel before the entrance until he calms the fuck down.
A little after 9pm (2100hrs, let’s be precise) we did our final equipment checks and went over the plan. I took point with the broom. My son (PRINCE) was behind me with two torches and a towel (JERRY-CATCHING DEVICE)
The plan included approach, objectives, condo setup, capture protocol, and retreat order. Also covered: IF MUM SCREAMS RETREAT, HAUL ASS FOR HOUSE, IF YOU GET WOUNDED KEEP GOING, IF YOU GET KILLED…WALK IT OFF.
Initially all went according to plan. We exited the safe zone, with some difficulty extracting the Asshole Crow Condo through the French door without deploying the K9 units.
At this point, the mission leader (MOTHER) decided that Objective 1 (FENCE-CORPSE VERIFICATION) could be attempted. We approached in good order and with extreme caution.
HOWEVER, there was no corpse in the fence. I REPEAT, THERE WAS NO CORPSE IN THE FENCE. Jerry had been spotted both before and after the suspected corpse was seen.
Attached please find Jerry’s proof of life, taken before dusk but after the CORPSE-FENCE INCIDENT. (Jerry could reach the top of the table but was unable to properly fly.)
That objective obtained, we spread out in search of Jerry. Assuming Jerry was wounded and roosting somewhere close by, we used the Jerry-Finding Also-Weapon Device (BROOM). Pleased to report it performed excellently all through the mission.
Friends, neighbors, gentlehobbits, my children and I scoured the dusk-drenched yard. We lifted branches. We carefully lifted ferns. We looked under the redbud. We looked in the hydrangea. We looked in the honeysuckle.
You want to know what we did next? You want to know how desperate we were to find this fucking wounded crow who had probably fucked off into the neighbor’s yard when we weren’t looking?
THAT’S RIGHT. I FOLLOWED MY DOG THROUGH THE YARD AT NIGHT AND STEPPED IN HIS PEE BECAUSE I WAS THINKING HE’D FIND JERRY AND I WANTED TO BE THERE TO RESCUE THE ASSHOLE
It is quite possible Jerry was camouflaged so expertly, and was furthermore so exhausted from his initial brush with K9 Unit 2 (BOXNOGGIN) that he did not move when poked with a broom.
That objective obtained, we spread out in search of Jerry. Assuming Jerry was wounded and roosting somewhere close by, we used the Jerry-Finding Also-Weapon Device (BROOM). Pleased to report it performed excellently all through the mission.