YES, I WILL BE ATTEMPTING TO CATCH A CROW IN THE DARK. AFTER POSSIBLY HALLUCINATORY MUSIC AND A SQUIRREL NAMED TOM HIDDLESTON. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE. HOW.

(I am told nerves are usual before any recon mission.)

Once Jerry has been nabbed—possibly in the towel my son is carrying—it will be a matter of swiftly shoving him into the Asshole Crow Condo, then holding the towel before the entrance until he calms the fuck down.

I have told the kids I am notifying you all in case we don’t return. I have a St Jude medallion I will be putting on before donning protective gear.

JERRY, IF YOU’RE LISTENING, YOU’D BETTER APPRECIATE THIS BULLSHIT, AND TELL CARL TO LAY OFF.

All right. We’re about to suit up and creep out into the night.

Wish us luck. Chat among yourselves until (hopefully) our return.

All right, everyone.

AFTER-MISSION REPORT.

A little after 9pm (2100hrs, let’s be precise) we did our final equipment checks and went over the plan. I took point with the broom. My son (PRINCE) was behind me with two torches and a towel (JERRY-CATCHING DEVICE)

My daughter (PRINCESS) brought up the rear with the Asshole Crow Condo and a dish of water. We went over the plan.

The plan included approach, objectives, condo setup, capture protocol, and retreat order. Also covered: IF MUM SCREAMS RETREAT, HAUL ASS FOR HOUSE, IF YOU GET WOUNDED KEEP GOING, IF YOU GET KILLED…WALK IT OFF.

Initially all went according to plan. We exited the safe zone, with some difficulty extracting the Asshole Crow Condo through the French door without deploying the K9 units.

(This is important.)

We the proceeded down the stairs in proper order, then spread out and moved towards initial objective (NORTHEAST CORNER, DOGWOOD).

The table was reached and the Asshole Crow Condo deployed, ready to accept Jerry.

At this point, the mission leader (MOTHER) decided that Objective 1 (FENCE-CORPSE VERIFICATION) could be attempted. We approached in good order and with extreme caution.

I am pleased to report we have solved one mystery. The fence-corpse was indeed Objective 2 (JERRY).

Apparently Boxnoggin (K9 UNIT 2) had chased Jerry into the crack between two fences. We suspect Jerry was already wounded at that time.

HOWEVER, there was no corpse in the fence. I REPEAT, THERE WAS NO CORPSE IN THE FENCE. Jerry had been spotted both before and after the suspected corpse was seen.

Attached please find Jerry’s proof of life, taken before dusk but after the CORPSE-FENCE INCIDENT. (Jerry could reach the top of the table but was unable to properly fly.)

I do not deny deriving a great deal of comfort from this development.

That objective obtained, we spread out in search of Jerry. Assuming Jerry was wounded and roosting somewhere close by, we used the Jerry-Finding Also-Weapon Device (BROOM). Pleased to report it performed excellently all through the mission.

Now, I know you’re all waiting, so I will be explain.

No. There is too much. I will sum up.

Friends, neighbors, gentlehobbits, my children and I scoured the dusk-drenched yard. We lifted branches. We carefully lifted ferns. We looked under the redbud. We looked in the hydrangea. We looked in the honeysuckle.

We jumped every time a stick broke, and Mission Leader (MOTHER) whispered “JESUS CHRIST” multiple times.

We were finally forced to an inescapable conclusion.

Somehow, Jerry had fucked off.

WE WERE DRESSED UP IN WHAT LOOKED LIKE SNOWSUITS CREEPING AROUND OUR YARD LIKE WEIRDOS AND JERRY HAD FUCKED OFF.

“I feel like Jerry would let us know if he was in the lemon balm.”

“Jerry? Are you there?”

“You’ll scare him.”

“More than he’ll scare us?”

WE SEARCHED THE ENTIRE FUCKING YARD WITH TWO TORCHES AND A BROOM

MY SON WAS WEARING HIS NINJA FACEMASK

AND JERRY HAD FUCKED OFF

WE SPENT HALF AN HOUR SEARCHING FOR THAT FUCKING CROW AFTER CARL AND SANDRA KEPT US TRAPPED IN THE HOUSE AND WORRIED ALL EVENING

AND JERRY HAD FUCKED OFF

I HIT MY HEAD UNDER THE DECK BECAUSE I CREPT UNDER IT IN SEARCH OF JERRY

JERRY, YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE

I’M TELLING CARL

You want to know what we did next? You want to know how desperate we were to find this fucking wounded crow who had probably fucked off into the neighbor’s yard when we weren’t looking?

WE BROUGHT OUT THE K-9s.

THAT’S RIGHT. I FOLLOWED MY DOG THROUGH THE YARD AT NIGHT AND STEPPED IN HIS PEE BECAUSE I WAS THINKING HE’D FIND JERRY AND I WANTED TO BE THERE TO RESCUE THE ASSHOLE

Finally, we returned the K9s to their kennels, somewhat lighter. I did one last circuit of the fucking ferns with the kids, LOOKING FOR JERRY.

IF JERRY’S OUT THERE HE KNOWS WE’RE LOOKING, GODDAMMIT

Anyway, I made the kids go up the stairs first because I WAS REARGUARD, DAMMIT, and we finished our patrol.

Now, this was a SUCCESSFUL PATROL because there were NO CASUALTIES, and I have to admit Jerry is a highly successful operative.

And before I stop yelling tonight, I will tell you one more thing.

It is quite possible Jerry was camouflaged so expertly, and was furthermore so exhausted from his initial brush with K9 Unit 2 (BOXNOGGIN) that he did not move when poked with a broom.

It’s entirely possible that Jerry is in a neighbor’s yard, in which case GOOD LUCK, HAVE FUN WITH THAT, GLAD I’M NOT ON NEXTDOOR!