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All right. I’ve some time before dinner and I’ve had a horrid day.

So naturally, I was thinking of superheroes.

Are you ready? Are you buckled in?

There is a superpower being they fear more than any other. He’s so terrifying no superbeing, good or evil, will actually admit to knowing about him. Want to know his name?

SANDBUTT.

Now, you might be tempted to laugh, but that would be a mistake. Because SANDBUTT is absolutely the most feared being in any superbeing-universe, ever.

Why? His special ability, of course.

Nobody will admit to knowing his civilian identity. Nobody will talk about him above a whisper, and it’s always a friend of a friend with a story, never direct.

You’ve got to give Superman a special kryptonite before he’ll even admit he’s seen the dude.

Wolverine? He just grunts and lights a cigar. Green Lantern turns pale, won’t talk. Popeye makes a sound like a tiny baby’s cry.

Even Bugs Bunny just gets a thoughtful look, shakes his head, and says “Next question.”

No, they don’t talk about SANDBUTT. Because quite frankly, his power is terrifying. It is horrible. It makes even the Tick cringe.

SANDBUTT has this ability. It’s absolutely unique. He can, any time he wants…conjure sand.

Anywhere.

Go ahead, laugh. Laugh. I did too, when I heard.

But then they explained. Like I’m explaining to you.

It’s not just sand. He conjures all different *types*. Rocky, fine, silica, white sugar, you name it.

He had a good life, working construction. He was magic with cement.

But then…everything changed.

“364 workplace days without an accident”, the sign said. But then the hyperspace ninja with the problematic costume was being chased by a plucky group of superpowers right through the city, and pow.

That was the birth of SANDBUTT.

When he regained consciousness, his power had grown, and he had a short-lived time in costume that’s referred to as the Great Peace, because he was so absolutely badass nothing much happened and everyone just got on with their life.

(Why isn’t it in the history books? Because it’s too boring. Look, this is just what they told me, all right?)

Just imagine. You’re Thanos in your metal loincloth or whatever, and you’re about to snap, and this nondescript guy in glasses walks up and says, “Stop, or I use the sand.”

Just think about that. Metal loincloth. Sand. Creases. Gets everywhere.

Would YOU risk it?

Just imagine a handful of wet grit in Dr Doom’s robes. Because yeah, sometimes SANDBUTT’s control gets a little shaky—under emotional duress, right?

And he can not only produce sand, but WET SAND.

No supervillain could stand against it. The costumed ones laid low. One or two tried attacking him naked.

You can kind of guess the result.

Anyway, there’s talk that he fell in love, and that something happened to the love interest, but they say that about everyone, you know?

Personally, I think SANDBUTT just got tired.

He faded pretty gradually, and the supervillains pulled off a few heists, but then all the superheroes came back out of retirement and there were thousands of casualties but the lens flare was EPIC.

And when the dust cleared…no SANDBUTT.

There were a couple of impersonators, and I think the Green Goblin actually had a real good time inventing his Sandbutt Bombs. Lex Luthor, of course, had his Anti-Wedgie Device, which sold really well and the infomercial was great.

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@lilithsaintcrow That could paralyze him entirely by locking up his armor's joints.

That'd be evil.

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