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WE BROUGHT OUT THE K-9s.

THAT’S RIGHT. I FOLLOWED MY DOG THROUGH THE YARD AT NIGHT AND STEPPED IN HIS PEE BECAUSE I WAS THINKING HE’D FIND JERRY AND I WANTED TO BE THERE TO RESCUE THE ASSHOLE

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You want to know what we did next? You want to know how desperate we were to find this fucking wounded crow who had probably fucked off into the neighbor’s yard when we weren’t looking?

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I HIT MY HEAD UNDER THE DECK BECAUSE I CREPT UNDER IT IN SEARCH OF JERRY

JERRY, YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE

I’M TELLING CARL

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WE SPENT HALF AN HOUR SEARCHING FOR THAT FUCKING CROW AFTER CARL AND SANDRA KEPT US TRAPPED IN THE HOUSE AND WORRIED ALL EVENING

AND JERRY HAD FUCKED OFF

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WE SEARCHED THE ENTIRE FUCKING YARD WITH TWO TORCHES AND A BROOM

MY SON WAS WEARING HIS NINJA FACEMASK

AND JERRY HAD FUCKED OFF

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“I feel like Jerry would let us know if he was in the lemon balm.”

“Jerry? Are you there?”

“You’ll scare him.”

“More than he’ll scare us?”

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WE WERE DRESSED UP IN WHAT LOOKED LIKE SNOWSUITS CREEPING AROUND OUR YARD LIKE WEIRDOS AND JERRY HAD FUCKED OFF.

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We jumped every time a stick broke, and Mission Leader (MOTHER) whispered “JESUS CHRIST” multiple times.

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Friends, neighbors, gentlehobbits, my children and I scoured the dusk-drenched yard. We lifted branches. We carefully lifted ferns. We looked under the redbud. We looked in the hydrangea. We looked in the honeysuckle.

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Now, I know you’re all waiting, so I will be explain.

No. There is too much. I will sum up.

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That objective obtained, we spread out in search of Jerry. Assuming Jerry was wounded and roosting somewhere close by, we used the Jerry-Finding Also-Weapon Device (BROOM). Pleased to report it performed excellently all through the mission.

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I do not deny deriving a great deal of comfort from this development.

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Attached please find Jerry’s proof of life, taken before dusk but after the CORPSE-FENCE INCIDENT. (Jerry could reach the top of the table but was unable to properly fly.)

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HOWEVER, there was no corpse in the fence. I REPEAT, THERE WAS NO CORPSE IN THE FENCE. Jerry had been spotted both before and after the suspected corpse was seen.

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I am pleased to report we have solved one mystery. The fence-corpse was indeed Objective 2 (JERRY).

Apparently Boxnoggin (K9 UNIT 2) had chased Jerry into the crack between two fences. We suspect Jerry was already wounded at that time.

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At this point, the mission leader (MOTHER) decided that Objective 1 (FENCE-CORPSE VERIFICATION) could be attempted. We approached in good order and with extreme caution.

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We the proceeded down the stairs in proper order, then spread out and moved towards initial objective (NORTHEAST CORNER, DOGWOOD).

The table was reached and the Asshole Crow Condo deployed, ready to accept Jerry.

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